To you.

We just keep suffering blow after blow.

But we’ll push through them, I swear.

I didn’t write on night five. And I’m not gonna write about it, or nights six through twenty-five. Suffice it to say that I didn’t last 25 days. After my workout last Thursday, during my 10-minute walk back to campus, I contemplated whether or not I was gonna talk to you. On one hand, I hated making you wait, especially when I already knew my decision. On the other hand, I had just enjoyed a fun night playing badminton with some friends, including my crush. It was nice to be able to be free like that. Of course, you were still on my mind, but I thoroughly enjoyed the night.

I ultimately decided to talk to you. And that long and, at times, dramatic talk, with lots of tears coming from me, ended in us getting back together. I told you that I know I could go both ways: I could get back with you or I could leave you. But even though I knew I could do it, I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like had I made that latter choice. Like that song says, “I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine.”

I’m happy with my choice. And I’m so happy that you took me back with open arms and practically no questions asked. I can’t express how much I appreciate your understanding and your kindness. I promise to work on my uncertainties and on my… flirtatiousness. I will be better to you because… well, I love you, plain and simple.

Night Four

It’s difficult to express in words how much I wanna call you and tell you how tired I am, how burned out I am, how much I miss you and how much I just wanna be in your arms.

Night Three

You’ve texted me twice in the past twenty-four hours. Those texts should make my decision easier and strengthen it, but I don’t know. At first, I thought, “For sure. I’m gonna get back with him. I just need more time to make sure this is what I really want.” But now, I don’t know what I want. And it’d be unfair to you to be with someone who doesn’t know if she wants in on the relationship or not. I wish I knew what I wanted.

Night Two

Last night wasn’t terrible. Tired myself out enough that I’d just fall asleep right away. Today was pretty bad though. I missed you every minute. Found myself wanting to just give in and call you and take back everything I said. I’m proud that I didn’t though. I wanna be sure of my decision. That’s why I’m taking all this time.

It got particularly bad, though, during my last class. It’s not really a class that I pay attention to, so I was left with much too much time to think about you. Nearly broke down and cried right there. I got a better hold of myself after a while. I’m being so dramatic about this. But, God, I miss you. I miss your voice and your hands and everything. The next 24 days couldn’t go by fast enough.

Night One

I see you everywhere. In the TOMS shoes someone was wearing at mass earlier, in the random songs that come up on my iPod, in the emptiness of my neck without your necklace. I know I told you not to talk to me in any way, but I still find myself periodically checking my phone for a text from you. I’m scared to go to sleep tonight because I’m scared of what those few minutes of thinking before sleeping are gonna bring.

We’re on another break, one that I asked for. We’ve taken breaks before, but this one feels more real, more present. And I have so many things to do for school, but I can’t bring myself to do them because you’re all that’s filling my mind. It’s bad, I know, but it’s inevitable and I’m not gonna try to stop the onslaught of thoughts about you. This break isn’t gonna end the way the other ones did. It’s not gonna end tomorrow. I asked you to give me until the end of March, and though I know how this is gonna end, I’m gonna persevere through the next 25 days. It’s painful. I can feel the hole I’ve drilled into my chest, right through my heart. But I need this, we need this. If I didn’t take this chance to cool off from us now, I’d always be left wondering what would’ve happened if I had.

If this first day is any sign at all, the next 25 days is gonna be hard. But we need this. It’s unfair of me to ask this of you, but please wait for me, please don’t go away. Like I told you earlier, I love you still. (And I always will.)

I think that, more often than not, I’m pretty fair to you when it comes to  you spending time with your friends. I don’t prohibit you from spending time with them. No girlfriend or boyfriend ever should, unless the friends are ridiculously bad influences. I don’t mind that you drink with them. I don’t mind that you smoke with them, despite the fact that you said you’d stop four months ago. Really, I don’t mind. I just want you to be happy, and I know that your friends make you happy.

Sometimes though, I know that you come over to my house or choose to hang out with me because none of your friends are available. Yes, I know you want to spend time with me too, but more often than not, you hang out with me because they’re not there. And if one of them texted or called you with plans, you’d figure out a way to leave me or my house or whatever to go to them because they’re more fun, more outgoing. Unlike me, a homebody, someone who would rather stay in, reading, than go out to a party. It’d be nice to not feel like your back-up once in a while. It’d be nice if you picked me over your friends once in a while.

Today is one of those days that we are better off not talking to each other because if we continue to, we’ll just annoy each other and get on each other’s nerves, and it won’t end well.