Jul
1
I know these types of things have probably been done more times than I can imagine, but I think I really need an outlet for the words and emotions that I can’t say or show to you. Half of me hopes you never find this so that I can be spared the talk (and possible embarrassment) that’s sure to follow regarding what I write. But the other half wants you to find it so that you can finally know the reasons behind my actions, my moodiness, my attachment, my somewhat-smothering loving for you.
- Whenever I wanna tell you how I’m feeling (most of the time when I’m upset or something along the lines of that), I end up wanting to cry. And I hate crying in front of people, including you. It makes one feel so vulnerable, not to mention irrational, which leads to the next…
- Whenever I wanna tell you why I’m upset or why my mood suddenly turned sour, I think it over in my head and I feel stupid for getting upset or sour in the first place. Like the other day, you told me we wouldn’t be able to hang out like we’d planned (without giving a reason at first), and then I find out that you’ve asked your friend where he is (which means you wanna hang out), I became angry and annoyed with you. (Didn’t tell you, of course.) Then you texted me right after you texted your friend, telling me you felt sick. I obviously didn’t believe it. I was thinking about telling you why my texts sounded so curt and, for a lack of better words, bitchy. But then, as I was turning it over in my head, I felt like my reasoning was juvenile, and I just ended up not telling you.
- I know you don’t handle irrationality and moodiness well, so I fear that these characteristics of mine will turn you away from me, make you realize that maybe I’m not as logical as you thought I was (which is one of the reasons you liked me in the first place). I always think, “Well, if he can’t handle me at my worst, then he doesn’t deserve me at my best,” but how much of “my worst” should I shell out, you know? So I just tend to hold it in as often as I can.
The reasons I can’t say these words and feelings out loud to you are probably really cliche and overused, but they’re my reasons nonetheless.
I often end up being too verbose, so I’m just gonna end it bluntly. Here.
