I recently learned that I’m not the only person who thinks too much, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I think too much. And today, like any other day, I thought about a lot of things. These are the things I can remember thinking about you.
I’m jealous that you’ve spent more time with one of our friends (who happens to be a girl) in the past week than you’ve spent with me probably in the past month. I know that working out is one of your passions and one of the things that you absolutely feel like you need to do to be complete, and I’m jealous that you’ve chosen to share that with some other girl instead of with me. I should be at the top of the list, shouldn’t I? (Why is it that I still have to wonder about that?) You’re not a personal trainer and you’re certainly not her personal trainer. She’s seen a side of you, a side of your passion that I’ve yet to see, and as selfish as it seems, I truly resent that.
I feel like your fuck buddy sometimes. That’s pretty self-explanatory.
But I love having sex with you. Not because of the sex itself, though that is pretty great, but because I feel like, for that short while, it’s just you and me. It’s like you’re all mine for that time. I love the intimacy it gives us. And (this may be TMI) I love the feeling of you inside me because it’s like we’re one. It’s so cheesy, but so true.
Why is it that you can spend days at a time with your friends, but once you spend a day with me, I feel like you’re already sick of me? “Sick of me” is probably a dramatic phrase but I didn’t know how else to put it. I’ve talked to you about this before, and about how you always look like you’re itching to be somewhere else when we’re out together. Do you know how that feels? I’m literally unable to describe the loneliness I feel when I see that I can’t make you shine the way your friends do.
I wanna break up with you more seriously than I’ve ever wanted to before. I think I’ve become too attached to you to the extent that it’s become unhealthy for me (and probably for us). I’m constantly longing for you and wanting to see you, and the longing literally becomes painful sometimes. I sound like a psycho, right? I think so too. Besides that, your circle of friends right now… I can’t get into it. It’s like I’m always right outside the line drawn around you guys. I’m sure you’d agree with me when I say that it’s not a good feeling.
If someone’s actually read up to this point, they’re probably wondering, “Then why the hell are you still with him?” Pretty simple, really. I love you. I meant it the first time I said it and I meant it on the phone earlier and I mean it now. There are days when I get to thinking, “You can do without him,” and I’m sure I’m right; I can definitely go on without you. (Whenever I think of this, I remember Rumor Has It, when Jennifer Aniston’s character said, “I didn’t come here to tell you I can’t live without you, because I can. I just don’t want to.”) Frankly, I believe that you’re the only guy who can make me (in the romantic, love-life sense) truly and completely happy.
So yeah, I want to break up, if only so we can both grow and sincerely understand how great what we have is. Plus, I want you to have a break from my clinginess and over-attachment — I don’t wanna drive you crazy, at least not in the bad way. I wanna break up to come together again, better than we are now. In my head, we can go ahead and do what we want with our distance from each other. If you wanna see other people, fuck other people, go for it. I won’t hold it over your head. On my side, though, I’ll be using it to loosen my attachment and to learn how to have a healthy relationship without becoming overbearing.
One more thought today: God, I love you.
